Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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