my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Everyone says I win the strip club
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
