note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
