you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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