I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
