it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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