I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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