We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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