she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
