ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
