my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
