why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How's work?
Spinning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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