Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
