you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
