theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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