I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
two words...techno handjob
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
