Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Come share oat with me in your robe
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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