if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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