You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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