Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We smell like vodka and hangover
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