I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
