Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
