guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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