i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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