How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
