My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize