2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My life is pants optional.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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