Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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