I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My life is pants optional.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
