I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
