You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
