I want to have your abortion
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
