This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
