She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
