It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
