Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize