I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
