my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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