idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
