No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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