Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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