I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
