I must be too annoying 4 u.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Randomize
