so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
