toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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