hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
