wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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