we have pet lesbian snakes
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
How does one acquire holy water?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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