The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
