Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize