I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
