Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
