guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
