"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
