Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
