My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize