1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
