Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
