Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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