I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
