I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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