This is not my ceiling
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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